The Squeeze Inn

OK, I will simply and succinctly try to explain the Squeeze Inn burger experience here and leave you to make your own decisions. I would offer a ringing endorsement of the Squeeze Inn right now, but am slightly leery of getting sued when someone goes there on my recommendation and has a massive coronary.

You walk in the front door and scope out the seating arrangement; all twelve stools are taken. That’s right, twelve whole stools in the place, not exactly the acre wide new chain places that you’re used to. You give the evil eye to the two parents who have brought their small Amerasian children because the kids are taking up two stools and chowing down on McDonald’s chicken mcnuggets. Not only is this a slap in the face to the owners of the place, but it’s a direct challenge to anyone who walks in. It says, “Hey look at us, we’re so important that we get to take up precious real estate without even buying a product.” You quietly hope that this whole family gets squat-humped by lunatics wearing Grimace and Hamburglar costumes.

Finally, someone leaves, and you quickly grab their stools. Checking the menu on the wall (what type of dive restaurant would this be if there wasn’t a menu on the wall) you order what everyone around you seems to be ordering, the Squeeze with Cheese. Having no idea what that actually means, you wait, smelling a confusing odor of grease and human sweat and grease and cheese and grease. You watch, amazed and slightly aroused, as the burger is prepared on the grill, no more than ten feet away from you. You witness the cook grab a patty roughly the size of a dinner plate and smack it down on the grill sending up an industrial sized grease cloud. After the patty flip, you watch agog as about 3 ½ bushels of shredded cheese are piled on your meat disc, quickly melting on and around your burger. Before you have a chance to comment, the cook throws a large lid on top of your meal. When the lid is removed the cheese has melted on and around the burger, frying away on the grill in what can only be called a halo of cheese. This cheese Frisbee is scraped up off the grill and slapped down on a turgid bun glistening with internal oils.

You spill about half of the thing on you as you eat, but you don’t care. You eat until you hurt, then have a few fries to top it off. Your beautiful companion (in your case she better not be my wife) will tell you from experience that the smell on your hands won’t go away for about two days, and you’ll only hurt yourself if you try to use an industrial detergent, so just live with it. You walk out into the sunshine, taking a last look at the little orange shack and think to yourself that this is why America is a great place to live, this is why we live in the greatest country in the world. If only Jews and gentiles, Arabs and Israelis, white supremacists and really white supremacists (we’re talking albino here) could only sit around together and eat cheese halos, the world would be a much brighter place. Then you go home to put on your Grimace costume, because there is work to be done.

The Squeeze Inn
Corner of Power Inn and Fruitridge, Sacramento CA
Food ***1/2 Ambience *** Service ***
Price $10-$15 for two
Call before you go, only open limited hours.

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20 thoughts on “The Squeeze Inn”

  1. good burgers..but the most disgusting, fat people eat there. I felt like a fat-ass just walking in.


  2. Au contraire, anon! Only, the best, most amazing fat people eat there and, I might add, have good taste since the burgers are great (artery-destroying for sure, but really tasty). The heroin-chic crowd need not take up any space on one of the few available pieces of prime real estate.

    Methinks anon has image issues if it needs to not only lash out at the overweight crowd but also hide behind a cloud of anonymity. Such angst! Have more Squeezeburgers and stop resenting those who WON’T feel guilty about enjoying their food; you might feel better (or get your butt off that stool so others can indulge instead!).

    I’d double the rec that you should phone-in your order ahead of time. Otherwise, you’ll be waiting a pretty long time for your food (this sure ain’t McDonald’s!). However, be prepared for the glares from the crowd hovering around the door as they watch you waltz through the front door and pick up your completed order (’cause that’s exactly what happened to me; it took one of those folks a few beats to realize I called my order in ahead of time and that’s why I wasn’t stuck waiting a while like they were).

    Squeeze Inn is open until 6pm M-F, until 4pm Sat (I think it opens at 10 or 11am, but I’m not sure). Closed Sundays. And a bit hard to find. It’s a tiny, and I mean TINY little shack with a teeny-tiny parking lot (good luck finding parking in their lot!). Also, they have a sign inside that says all orders are to go after a certain point, maybe 15 minutes before closing (hey, they want to go home, too!).


  3. The obese of this world are costing us billions each year. We’re the fatest country on earth. And its teaching our children bad eating habits…and setting them up for health problems.
    So yeah..I have a problem with the expensive, reckless idiots, who cant control their weight.

    So go eat another huge burger slathered in mayo, and contribute to the declining health of the country.


  4. Using anon’s same “logic” (and lack of validating data):

    The poorly educated of this world are costing us billions each year. We’re the stupidest country on earth, such that someone who posts in anonymity neither can form proper sentence structure nor spell correctly…[a]nd it[‘]s teaching our children bad [writing] habits…and setting them up for being rejected for jobs out of hand because their resumes immediately go into the “NO” file.

    Usage of a charged phrase such as “expensive, reckless idiots” only validates the above point — you have your own personal image issues but must take it out on others. It’s no one else’s fault but your own that in order to elevate your view of self you must stomp on others (yet do it cloaked in mystery so no one who knows you could actually point to you and let you know that your self-loathing really is your own creation and that you could be happier if you could control what’s eating at YOU).

    So, go write another post demonstrating your lack of education and inability to display other than your hatred, your ignorance and your poor skills and contribute to the worldwide view of the declining intelligence of the country.

    BTW — you write as if you have no more than a middle school education…8th grade, tops. If you are an adult, do yourself a favor and take some English-writing courses so at least when you post, there would not be even more ammo proving that Americans are not properly educated.


  5. I do not think anyone is suggesting eating a squeeze burger everyday. So you get a gut bomb once every few months you cannot be doing to much damage. Heck just eat twigs and berries for the next week or two to make up for it.


  6. A good choice when going to the Squeeze Inn is to split a “squeeze with cheese” with a friend. Half an order is plenty, and you won’t feel nearly as guilty.

    (Although, some of my fellow runner friends have polished off a DOUBLE squeeze with cheese and full order of fries each after an arduous morning of trail running up in the mountains.)


  7. But Chris, you are as tall as Kareem Abdul Jabar, yet carry the weight of Emmanuel Lewis. I find it hard to believe that you would ever eat a Squeeze Burger, especially in light of the fact that well-informed persons above have claimed that only fat, disgusting, morbidly obese, non-banjo-playing people eat at the Squeeze Inn.


  8. Oh come now, surely you flatter. Slender I may be, but hardly slight. I also found myself at a function Friday night where it seemed like each person who came in the door got taller and taller until I was standing next to a guy who seemed at least a foot taller than me. Mark Miller was looking up to talk to him.


  9. Anon anytime you think you’re man (or woman) enough to actually state your real full name I’ll be interested in responding. Until then it’s not exactly adding hairs to your chest to act like an ass under an anonymous blog name.

    I can’t WAIT to try this place! Why haven’t I done so before? Do the burgers travel well enough for take-out?


  10. ibid: out of curiosity, what is it that you think is funny about the little thing you’re doing?


  11. There’s additional seating out back of the ‘shack’. Don’t expect scenery. Afterall, you’re there for the flavorful burgers and cooked to order fries. Their cheese skirt is something else, but the beef flavor really comes through in the cheese-less squeeze burger.

    Yes, they travel well, if you can resist the alluring aroma that fills your vehicle. Once I called in burgers and fries take out orders for dinner. The owner held off cooking my fries until I arrived, so they wouldn’t be soggy. Now that’s thinking! It took Herculean strength to not inhale the fries before getting home!


  12. “Cheese skirt” is a nice description, but I prefer “cheese halo.” It gives the whole operation the otherworldliness that it deserves.


  13. Does anyone have comments on their other menu items(besides fries)? I’ve yet to stray from the burgers.


  14. Friends have said that the veggie burgers are good (cooked on the same grill as the beef patties, which likely adds some fat), and others are fans of the tacos.


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