OK, I will simply and succinctly try to explain the Squeeze Inn burger experience here and leave you to make your own decisions. I would offer a ringing endorsement of the Squeeze Inn right now, but am slightly leery of getting sued when someone goes there on my recommendation and has a massive coronary.
You walk in the front door and scope out the seating arrangement; all twelve stools are taken. That’s right, twelve whole stools in the place, not exactly the acre wide new chain places that you’re used to. You give the evil eye to the two parents who have brought their small Amerasian children because the kids are taking up two stools and chowing down on McDonald’s chicken mcnuggets. Not only is this a slap in the face to the owners of the place, but it’s a direct challenge to anyone who walks in. It says, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey look at us, we’re so important that we get to take up precious real estate without even buying a product.Ã¢â‚¬Â You quietly hope that this whole family gets squat-humped by lunatics wearing Grimace and Hamburglar costumes.
Finally, someone leaves, and you quickly grab their stools. Checking the menu on the wall (what type of dive restaurant would this be if there wasn’t a menu on the wall) you order what everyone around you seems to be ordering, the Squeeze with Cheese. Having no idea what that actually means, you wait, smelling a confusing odor of grease and human sweat and grease and cheese and grease. You watch, amazed and slightly aroused, as the burger is prepared on the grill, no more than ten feet away from you. You witness the cook grab a patty roughly the size of a dinner plate and smack it down on the grill sending up an industrial sized grease cloud. After the patty flip, you watch agog as about 3 Â½ bushels of shredded cheese are piled on your meat disc, quickly melting on and around your burger. Before you have a chance to comment, the cook throws a large lid on top of your meal. When the lid is removed the cheese has melted on and around the burger, frying away on the grill in what can only be called a halo of cheese. This cheese Frisbee is scraped up off the grill and slapped down on a turgid bun glistening with internal oils.
You spill about half of the thing on you as you eat, but you don’t care. You eat until you hurt, then have a few fries to top it off. Your beautiful companion (in your case she better not be my wife) will tell you from experience that the smell on your hands won’t go away for about two days, and you’ll only hurt yourself if you try to use an industrial detergent, so just live with it. You walk out into the sunshine, taking a last look at the little orange shack and think to yourself that this is why America is a great place to live, this is why we live in the greatest country in the world. If only Jews and gentiles, Arabs and Israelis, white supremacists and really white supremacists (we’re talking albino here) could only sit around together and eat cheese halos, the world would be a much brighter place. Then you go home to put on your Grimace costume, because there is work to be done.
The Squeeze Inn
Corner of Power Inn and Fruitridge, Sacramento CA
Food ***1/2 Ambience *** Service ***
Price $10-$15 for two
Call before you go, only open limited hours.