Guess who’s coming to town? That’s right, the Westboro Baptist Church, an internationally recognized hate group that has been banned by the United Kingdom, will be coming to Sacramento to remind us that we are all sinners doomed to hell. Why? We are all Satan worshipers for following religions such as Judaism, Catholicism or Islam, and America is being punished by God because we embrace homosexuality. They have appeared at the funerals of American soldiers, college students, Michael Jackson, Mr. Rogers, and Jerry Falwell, informing their families, loved ones and the world that the deceased was currently burning in hell for all eternity, and you are next, Satanist!
This Friday they are coming for you.
You, sinners of Sacramento, you are all doomed for the following egregious sins, as condensed from their ranting travel schedule. I must admit, I am impressed that they are able to address such a wide variety of concerns on their tour of Sacramento.
1:10-1:40pm – Celebrate the downfall of California for worshiping false gods at the California State Capitol. Jesus will show the truth to your filthy, feces-crusted faces and you will drink from the cup of God’s wrath.
2:05 – 2:35pm – Inform the members of U.C. Davis Hillel that they are the evil perverted children of Satan. America is doomed, your children are doomed and attractive to the she-bear.
3:00 – 3:30pm – Educate the students of Rosemont High School on the identity of the Anti-Christ. Hint: He was born in Africa and has usurped America with his forked tongue and magic ways. God has doomed America and we called it, ha!
3:15 – 3:45pm – Warn the students of McClatchy High School of Satan’s sin peddlers in their public schools who have fallen under the spell of gaysmut kingpin Kevin Jennings. He and his pimp Obama will sodomize you.
4:00 – 4:30pm – Expose the Jewish Federation of Sacramento for the Christ killing Confederation of Satanists they truly are! You deny the Lord and His prophets in the face of blood, fire and the vapor of smoke. Repent and you can hang out in heaven with us after the rapture.
4:45 – 5:15pm – Mock the Beth Yeshua Messianic Congregation for being confused and disguising themselves as Christians to infiltrate the Lord’s community. God will smite the Earth with a curse for allowing stupid, evil hypocritical Jews to live. From what I gather, this is a Congregation of Jews who have accepted Jesus as the fulfillment of the prophesies that the Son of God will return. I thought that’s what the protesters wanted, what’s the deal?
5:30 – 6:00pm – Alert the students of Chabad Hebrew School that California’s earthquakes are the result of God’s fierce anger and that they are to blame for living in the same town that hosts the “Folsom S&M Street Fair” (I think they are confusing the City of Folsom and their street fairs with San Francisco’s “Folsom Street Fair“). God will kick your dirty butts into Folsom Lake. Obama is coming for you and you are doomed.
7:15 – 8:00pm – Tell Sacramento Community Theater that Rent sucks. Theater is for uptight whitebread rich fools and imagination only leads to dishonoring your body with lusts. You are liars, Obama will take everything from you, forcing you to eat your own babies. You are filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness, you are full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, and malignity. You are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, spiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, without understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, implacable, and unmerciful.
8:30 – 9:00AM – Disturb Sabbath at Congregation B’Nai Israel for being faithless Jews and for acting Satanic (wait, I thought Jews were Satanic). You are faithless, naughty, nasty and rotting figs left on the tree as fodder for Obama’s reaper.
8:30 – 9:00AM – Degrade the celebrants at Kenneset Israel Torah Center for misinterpreting the Torah, like James, and if they were not stupid, they would see that the Torah contains the messages that Obama is the Anti-Christ, and Obama hates you.
9:30 – 10:00AM – Accuse the Chabad of Davis of being rebellious lying money worshipers. You will be destroyed by Obama and his army like the horribly, filthy, rancid, bad figs that you are. Judgment will come and everyman will sit under his fig vine and the good figs will come to their inheritance.
Edit: Holy crap on a cracker, they have songs, such as “50 Ways to Eat Your Baby” “Hey Jews” and “Come Together, Good Figs”.