Citrus Heights is getting NorCal’s first Smashburger on March 31. My carnivorous friends scattered across the country generally agree that Smashburger is a decent burger, but I don’t really care. I won’t be eating there, as I generally avoid franchise restaurants like the plague, especially if they don’t serve draft beer. And do we really need another pre-programed burger joint in a city full of local businesses serving great, even famous, burgers? Hell no, says I.
I am, however, highly amused by the PR 101 tactics being employed to attract attention. Bands of Sacramento, are you ready for the big time? Are you ready to ROCK SMASHBURGER? (The caps indicate that you are supposed to mentally read that phrase in your most rocking DJ voice. I choose to hear Shadoe Stevens in my head at his most Fred Rated extreme.)
As if playing the opening of a fast food restaurant isn’t enough, Smashburger found a way to make this deal even more delicious. Do you want to (cue Shadoe) PLAY FOR FREE? That’s right, you can live up to your punk rock ethos and play for nothing but burgers. Since the website won’t even tell you how many burgers you will win, I am guessing that it ain’t too many. Winners will be decided by popular vote, which completely ignores the specific contest instructions that the bands be BURGER LOVING. If picked as a celebrity judge, I would use a three-part matrix to evaluate the musicians:
5 points Musicianship
5 points Condiment Implementation
5 points Hamburger Puns
Recommended tunes include Beast of Burger, The Meat is On, Whole Lotta Lunch, Slip Slider Away, Pour Some Ketchup on Me, Here Comes the Bun, and anything by The Bacon Brothers, G Love and Special Sauce, or The Fat Boys.