From the intro to this CBS13 video about a large “Smurf” bust.

Seven people are under arrest in what investigators call an elaborate scheme to make meth.

They can MAKE meth??? Oh boy, now we’re really screwed. What will they think of next?!

I’ll leave it up to y’all to make Smurf jokes. Plus: you may use “smurf” in place of other words that might get you banned.

I expend a lot of hot air trashing the Bee’s comment feature, but today I have to eat my words. (It appears I must also attend mixed metaphor college.) From today’s Bee story about two library branches no longer accepting cash after the branches have experienced thefts.

Commenter “kevinakin1950″ smartly questions the legality of refusing to accept American currency, and goes on to point out that a no-cash policy would discriminate against the poor, who presumably don’t have credit cards. (Let’s not get started on all the people out there who are poor because of their credit cards…)

Continue reading “Library cash story brings out good comments on SacBee” »

from CBS13.com

With a small pair of scissors and the jacker’s own gun, threatening to “shoot his balls off” if he didn’t walk away.

“I grabbed [the scissors] and I started stabbing him in the shoulder, I started stabbing him in the neck,” Harmony said, unimpressed by his fighting ability. “I thought, ‘That’s all he has for a punch?’”

Right AWN, Harmony Bates!

KCRA’s report on a shooting death early in the New Year includes one of those “can’t be serious” quotes:

“I was just chillin’ at the party and then all of a sudden I hear that my friend’s been like shot down pretty much.”

“Pretty much” in this case being 100%. Every element of that sentence is classic! This guy reminds me of the Upright Citizens Brigade character “Bong Boy” who smokes so much pot he can’t tell reality from reality television–when he’s being arrested he thinks he is watching “COPS,” etc. It’s possible that’s what’s going on here…

Seen today: one of the craftiest law enforcement vehicles ever on I-80 at Truxel, a dark blue late model Nissan Maxima, with grill and rear window flashers, pulling over another vehicle.

Now, when I think non-descript police vehicle, I think Crown Vic. But a Nissan Maxima? That’s brilliant. I’m not sure whether the car was police or CHP, but it was totally bizarre to see a common suburban four-door import change before one’s eyes into an enforcer. It was like watching real live Transformers.

All I know is that when the cops start using Camrys, the criminals will have nowhere to hide.
Afterthought: Is the plural of Camry, “Camries”?

It seems that things get a little silly around town during Christmas. But, is this really “how we do it in Sactown“?

In any case, this story is too good to be true, except that apparently it is true. As such, it warrants a dusting off the RIGHT AWN!, for the dude who used a giant Christmas ornament to defend his family and guests. I’ll let the story tell the story:

Man wielding candy cane lawn ornament subdues attacker

SACRAMENTO (AP) — A man using a candy cane lawn ornament fended off a knife-wielding neighbor who had been attacking holiday guests at a Sacramento home.
Police spokesman Sgt. Norm Leong says the man used the two-foot-tall plastic ornament to subdue the attacker until officers arrived.

He says the 49-year-old suspect became intoxicated, went over to a neighbor’s home on Thanksgiving and began waving a kitchen knife at people gathered on the lawn.

He cut several peoples’ clothing before one of them decided to fight back.

Police say the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense.

RIGHT AWN, Christmas Candy Cane Wielding Ninja Defender!

Don’t you stare at my belly button!

We see stories like this quite often. But, this particular one struck me as unique. Why? Well, there was something about the two dudes that reminded me of something. Something from my college days. What was it though? What was it about these two brainiacs holding up a pizza joint that seemed so familiar?

Then it hit me. That’s it! Answer after the jump…
Continue reading “Local duo cleverly protects their identity” »

Better use the ATM.

You proposition 8 debaters should enjoy this one from CBS13.com.

All Golden One Banks in our area are enforcing a new dress code: no hats…”Typically, they have a hood pulled up, they have sunglasses on or they have a hat with a visor pulled down,” says Teresa Halleck, President and CEO of Golden One Credit Union.

“They” of course are the bad guys. And they have a uniform. Without this uniform their super powers are lost.

I kid the Golden One. However, pay close attention to the sign posted at the front of the bank. The forward and backward hat positions are included in this policy.

We love us a pumpkin patch here at the Sac Rag. I was beginning to wonder where we were with a 2008 review when I came across this article from kcra.com:

A Placer County pumpkin patch that’s been a local tradition for 20 years won’t be selling any pumpkins this year after getting hit by metal thieves.

The owner of the patch decided not to open this season after spending $15,000 on repairs.

As we used to say growing up, “that’s weak sauce, man.”

Perhaps all of you legal eagles out there can help me with something. The Sacramento Bee reports that a man was shot in the abdomen yesterday in downtown Sacramento. The story has a headline that reads, “Sacramento panhandler accused of shooting disabled man.” The first sentence of the story reads, “A woman panhandling in downtown Sacramento Monday pulled out a gun and shot a disabled man who refused to give her money, scattering a terrified crowd gathered at a busy bus stop, police said.”

Is there a difference between *accused* and *police said*? Throw in a photo of the “accused” and you got yourself an open and shut case…

I did enjoy this quote though:

“Why would someone ask money from someone who is obviously disabled?” asked his younger brother, Adrian Perez. “This is really outrageous.”

Do disabled people have a history of not carrying spare change? Just sayin’

Update: Bad example as the suspect has basically confessed to the crime. I do still wonder what terms the media can use, quote, etc. with regard to criminal activities.