Bach in Blech

This week, the News and Review has sunk to an all time low with their cover story and issue dedicated to Sebastian Bach. If you cannot tell from my homage to both AC/DC and Mad Magazine in the title of this entry, I am precisely the target demographic for an issue dedicated to a washed up, middle aged metal singer who has not had a hit song since 1989 and has found a new career as a reality TV star. Big whoop. And, if I don’t care, how is anyone else going to give a flying fuck about Sebastian Bach?

Now, before you 30-somethings with the tight jeans, black shirts and penchant for silver jewelry start in on your old pal Stickie for not appreciating metal, let’s do a quick rundown of just a few of the bands that I have pumped my fist to at concerts: Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Dio, Metallica, Queensryche, Deep Purple, Scorpions, Motorhead, Slayer, Guns & Roses, Alice in Chains. I know my metal, and I know that Bach and his former band Skid Row are simply a minor footnote in the 80’s pantheon of MTV hair bands that came and went with little fanfare. Sure, they were a little more rocking than contemporaries such as Warrant, Winger and Poison, but have very little to offer as far as any real musical legacy. Two of their three hits were ballads. Lame ass 80’s metal ballads.

This guy gets the cover of our alternative weekly? This guy has bits of wisdom scattered throughout the issue? He is CANADIAN, for pete’s sake. What decent metal ever came from Canada? (Anyone who says Rush gets a kick in the nads, Rush ain’t metal.)

I can picture the editorial meeting at the Snooze and Review.
“Hey does anyone know anyone famous?”
“Dude, my cousin is Sebastian Bach’s agent!”
“Who?”
“Sebastian Bach! He was the lead singer of Skid Row for a few years until they fired him for being an egotistical prick!”
“Wasn’t he on that show where has-beens tried to become rodeo stars?
“No”
“What about that show where has-beens tried to score with girls young enough to be their daughters?
“No”
“Ah, he was on that show where has-beens perform rap!”
“That’s it! He also played a small town rocker who forms a band with Rory’s quirky friend on Gilmore Girls.”
“Well, it is either that or my uncle Craig T. Nelson, so let’s roll with it!”

This brilliant e-board decision resulted in stellar journalism such as the following:

S&R – You know, Angel Down gives me the same feeling as the first time I put on Motley Crue’s Too Fast For Love.

SB – Oh, wow! Really!

S&R – Yeah, dude, right when the song Angel Down came on, I was like “Holy Shit!”

SB – Yeaaahhhhhhh! Hahaha!

Make room on the mantle, Josh Fernandez, here comes that Pulitzer!

If the News and Review wants to prominently feature music, let’s try sticking to local artists, shall we? How about Sac State’s 30th Annual Festival of American Music that barely got a passing mention in your pages? How about Jackie Green’s new success as a member of Phil & Friends, an off-shoot of one of the most successful bands in history? How about a look at our phenomenal underground rap, hip-hop and techno scene?