Chain Reaction

There has been an awful lot of chain-bashing going on lately here on the Rag. Most authors here at Rag HQ support local businesses and encourage others to do the same. Heck, why start the Sac Rag in the first place if you don’t appreciate all things local. If we wanted to enjoy the sameness of corporate chains we’d probably write for facelessamericancityrag.com.

But let’s not shy away from the obvious, chains are not going anywhere in the near future unless there happens to be some type of extra terrestrial invasion that wipes out society as we know it. So, let’s learn to live with the chains, appreciate them for what they offer and use them as we need to, not forgetting our local roots and affinities, but not ignoring a piece of the socio-economic puzzle that, in the end, can compliment, rather than undermine, the local scene. (I heart commas.)

So, I give you the following roadmap to navigating the world of restaurant chains and big box eateries:

Why Chain Yourself?
Some of you might be saying, “Why go to a chain at all? There are enough local restaurants to fill me up at any time of day no matter what kind of food I’m in the mood for.” First of all, why don’t you shut the hell up and let me finish my goddamned article before you start interrupting me you closed-minded douchebag. Second of all, your statement is not true, and deep down you know it. Sacramento, for whatever reason, has a paucity of late night cum early morning dining options. Want Vietnamese at 4 a.m.? Tough luck, Chad. Feeling like hot and sour soup at midnight and it’s a 20 min drive to midtown? Too bad, Lisa. Want a local pizza place that’s open 24 hrs? Where do you think you are, Italy?

The truth is that chains fill a lot of gaps in the restaurant landscape. Mrs. Eats and I were hungry on New Year’s day, as we are wont to be. 8p.m. on a holiday, where could we go for pasta and cheap wine? Aha! Macaroni Grille. Only a large corporation would make their employees work on New Year’s day, and our good fortune that they did. So yes, chains fill the gap when it comes to restaurant availability any time of day. Want tacos at 3 in the morning, check out your local Del Taco or Taco Bell or Adalberto’s. Hungry and don’t want to leave home at midnight? That’s why shitty pizza delivery was invented.

On top of their normally increased availability, chains also act as a “safe-alternative” when planning for a group. (Yes, I hate the phrase “safe-alternative” but everybody’s different and it’s not my job to change the world.) For example, I am involved in a comedy enterprise with a number of different individuals with various tastes and budgets. Is it fair to insist that we eat at Addis Ababa when I know that several of the group will find it foreign and off-putting? (Even though I know they’d like it if they gave it a chance.) Also, when I am asked to entertain business associates from out of town (especially the Midwest) I go for a safe option like Il Fornaio or P.F. Chang’s rather than trying to expand their palates and take a chance that there won’t be options for everyone. Chains are easy, accessible, predictable, and usually not exotic, which makes them useful for groups, “picky-eaters” and off-hours diners.

Where to Go, What to Eat

Just because a restaurant has copied itself and spread its seed all over the landscape does not always mean that it’s good. Take these tips as decent options for what to eat and where to go in a pinch.

TOGO’S-There are hundreds of good sandwiches downtown, but very few once you cross the river in any direction. Dotting the suburban landscape are myriad Togo’s franchise, not all identical but fairly similar. Sandwiches are sizable and tasty, salads are unusually good and fresh tasting. Service is usually a little awkward and it’s in your best interest to watch your sandwich maker to make sure they get your order right. Biggest upside: kicks the pants off of Subway and Quizno’s. Biggest downside: they don’t serve potato salad.

COCO’S-Seriously, when was the last time you were at Coco’s? It’s been years, right? Well, it hasn’t changed. The breakfasts are still good and the waitresses are still overworked. A fine alternative to other busy Arden Fair Mall restaurants. Upside: Surprisingly fantastic Chinese chicken salad. Downside: waiting behind large numbers of seniors when waiting for a table.

ROUNDTABLE- My mother loves Roundtable. For her birthday we got one of their new “Artisan Pepperoni” pizzas. Other than having a completely pretentious name and having the stupidest advertising campaign I’ve ever heard (Men love its bold flavors, women its natural ingredients…you’re kidding, right?) it was one of the finest pizzas I’ve ever had. People complain about Roundtable’s high prices, but you can’t argue with the fact that their pizza is simply better than pretty much any other pizza chain. Support your local pizza, sure, but if you’re nowhere near a local pizza shop and are looking for delivery, Roundtable is your best bet. Upside: delivery. Downside: price.

DEL TACO- Two words, “chicken tacos.” Four words, “chicken tacos at midnight.” Upside: fries with your burrito. Downside: homeless zoo at Alhambra location.

CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN- I love this place. Every time I’ve gone, the pizzas have been wonderful, the salads fantastic and the service superb. I’d love it more if it wasn’t at the mall and I didn’t have to wait 20 minutes for a table. But, a tip to beat the rush, try sitting at the bar. Upside: think crust yumminess. Downside: getting hit in the head with an oversized “Clothestime” bag.

Quick tips-
WENDY’S- Bad fries, great chicken sandwich.
BUCA DI BEPPO- Stay away on the weekends, try the lemon chicken.
CHEESECAKE FACTORY- Not usually worth the 30-90 min wait, but if you’re hungry in the off hours, go for the ahi salad and Adam’s peanut butter fudge ripple cheesecake.
IHOP- Breakfast on the weekend is a madhouse. Try the fish ‘n chips, open until midnight.
LOGAN’S ROADHOUSE (Elk Grove)- Baked sweet potato, yummy. Roadhouse tea made with whole grain alcohol, fantastic but don’t have more than one or two at a sitting. Stay away on the weekend nights.

What to Avoid
-With all the fantastic Mexican food in California, especially in Sacramento, it seems a sin to frequent a Mexican chain. Also, it’s not worth the wait. Stay away from El Torito at all costs, and enter Chevy’s only in an emergency.
-Try not to ever enter a chain on a weekend evening. The wait is typically not worth it.
-Don’t ever ask your server, “What’s good here?” They will stare at you blankly and probably drool a little. (I kid, most servers get their starts in big chains. They’re a great place at which to learn the ropes.)
-There is no reason that I can think of to ever go inside TGI Friday’s.
-Ditto Olive Garden.
-See above for Tahoe Joe’s.
-IBID Hometown Buffet.
-Has anyone ever had a good meal at an Applebee’s? Not in my lifetime Tyler Florence.

Final Word

The variety and choice of local restaurants in the Sacramento area cannot be overstated. We are more fortunate than you know to have such a diversity of foods available from local providers. Go out and be adventurous, try something new and explore. But, when you need a simple and predictable alternative, there’s nothing wrong with going chain. It won’t suck you into the chain vortex and leech out your brains, it won’t poison you, it won’t obliterate your taste buds. It will do its job, nothing more, nothing less. That is unless the Martians have already arrived and are disguised as humans covered with “flair.”