I’m on a roll lately.Â Unfortunately, it’s a roll of shitty meals.Â We’re not talking average, moderate, unremarkable meals, but ranging instead from rotten to atrocious.Â And it’s not like I’ve been eating at shady unlicensed joints hoping to find a gem in amongst the filth.Â We’re talking about long-standing, reputable places here that have failed, and failed huge.
Meal #1- 33rd Street Bistro– Last week I attended a private event at 33rd Street and couldn’t have been more ticked off at the food situation.Â There were six tables at the event, and only food enough for three or four of them. And what food there was was sad, limp, underseasoned chicken parts, a green salad, and roasted vegetables. It was depressing and tasteless. I had to go to Del Taco after I left just to have something for my bile to work on other than my continued rage at the Haines brothers.
Meal #2- El Patron– The fairly newish spot on Folsom Blvd has been on my list of places to try for while.Â It’s now off the list. Had we just had to put up with the disjointed service, we’d have been ok, but the food situation was absolutely unacceptable. First, the tortilla chips were stale, then the guacamole was frozen, yes that’s right, frozen. I don’t mean that it had been frozen then thawed then served.Â I mean that when it came to our table, it was served with a hard, frozen center that was moderately disgusting. Then, the entrees — all four of them — left a lot to be desired.Â From a plate of flavorless carnitas to a plate of beige, boring fish to a monstrosity of a dish that can only be described as a giant stone bowl overflowing with ingredients, not a meal mind you, but just ingredients. What had sounded so appealing on the menu came to the table as a giant bowl of chewy pork, with small logs of queso, six-inch long stems of cilantro, and, since I wasn’t prepared for it, a rather repellent layer of reconstituted fried pork skin that had just gotten soggy and fatty while sitting in the sauce at the bottom of the bowl.Â We all skipped dessert…Oh, and I almost forgot, for a place that takes pride in its bar, the margaritas were weaker than Andy Rooney after running the New York Marathon.
Meal #3- Bella Bru– When I say that something has too much mayonnaise, then it has way too much f’ing mayonnaise.Â I am a mayo connoisseur, an aficionado if you will, or a mayo junkie if you will not. And the tuna melt at Bella Bru I partially consumed today was way over the line on the mayonnaise content.Â Besides that, it was just a poorly prepared tuna melt. What are the two most important components of a tuna melt after all?Â I would say number one is tuna, the other is melt.Â The ‘Bru was one for two.Â While there was indeed tuna included with my mayonnaise sandwich, the melting was harder to find than a PETA t-shirt in Sarah Palin’s closet.Â I guess the guy working the grill station hadn’t been at culinary school on the day they taught melting. Instead of a tuna melt, I got a tuna burn, with both sides of the sandwich briefly singed by what must have been the hottest part of the grill, but with the inner layer of cheese cold and unimpressive.Â If I’m going to spend $9 on a sandwich, and an unpardonable $2.10 on a Coke, then you better believe that cold American singles are not what I’m looking for.
I’m going to Tuli Bistro tonight and leaving this all behind me.