FBI Creepiness at CSUS

Earlier this week at Sac State, a female student reported two suspicious men to SSPD. The men, described as in their 50s, approached her and identified themselves as undercover campus security officers. They asked her to accompany them to a nearby parking lot to assist them in an investigation. She wisely refused.

After the Police alerted the University community about the attempted weirdness, adding that they do not employ plainclothes policemen, people freaked the hell out. Safety meetings occurred frequently. Thankfully, no further incidents of creepiness occurred, but the suspects still remained at large.

A second statement was issued by campus police yesterday announcing the threat to be unfounded. Was it a fanciful yarn spun by a lonely freshman desperate for attention during her first month away from home? A prank inspired by a wacky 80’s low-budget college sex romp, or a terrifying 90’s high-budget torture porn? Sorority initiation time again?

No, they were undercover FBI agents.

Assuming this entire story isn’t a load of hooey, something still doesn’t add up for me. If these men were FBI, why wouldn’t they identify themselves as being FBI? For someone investigating crimes at a University, the worst disguise is “undercover campus cop”. Very fishy. So what really happened?

If this was an 80’s low-budget college sex romp, I would guess that this has something to do with the enemy of the fraternities, that crusty old Dean. It is clearly a cover up, and those sex and beer loving frats could have the Dean fired for exposing his embarrassing underwear fetish. Replace “underwear” with “undergraduate disembowelment”, and you have your 90’s torture porn.

Instead of daydreaming about WWMASD (What Would Mulder and Scully Do?), I decided to put on my thinking pants and employ the fine analytical skills I acquired at CSUS and solve this mystery for you, dear readers, so your minds can be at rest. Why would the FBI clumsily expose their own investigation?

I believe that it was done on purpose as a show of force to university activists across the state. A nationwide activist uprising is occurring in hundreds of cities while governmental approval ratings are in the toilet. College campuses are always sources of young leaders during these events, and several campus organizations and departments are involved in the local Occupy Sacramento activities. In letting this story unfold over several days, the FBI gained the attention of the University and let them know that they were on campus and on the job.

Prediction: The next part of the FBI’s campaign to induce suspicion and paranoia will involve the hilarious use of the ceiling cat meme.