Being a vegan is a choice. An increasingly common choice. My buddy Bill? Vegan. Keith? Vegan. Law& Order SVU’sÂ Christopher Meloni? Vegan. Nicholas Sparks? Nuttin’. (Which mean he eats nothing but nuts, and not peanuts because they are legumes!) What I’m trying to say is that no matter how silly veganism might seem to us realÂ Americans, it’s catching on. And the more adherents it attracts, the more it needs to step up its game.
I’m looking at you Sugar Plum vegan restaurant! You’re giving the vegan business a bad name. I’ve been to the ‘Plum three times in my life. The first two visits were mediocre to good, with the dessertsÂ being the highlight of the trip. My last trip, however, was atrocious. It was as if they just didn’t care anymore, like they were just going through the motions, almost as if a gang of international bank robbers (mostly an American gang but with Jean Reno and that African dude from Blood Diamond thrown in for texture) had taken everyone in the kitchen hostage but ordered them to act “normal” if any customers came in. So then customers come in and Jean Reno (whose character name, strangely, is Mike which isn’t French at all but they stick with, as if the writers were too lazy to change the script) gets nervous and knocks out the real chef because he was chewing through his gag, and then the gang (with classiclyÂ hilarious results) is forced to cook up the dishes for the patrons, and, having never worked with vegan ingredients like diayaÂ and nut-bacon and french fried soy logs, turn out unrecognizable plates of goop. They also have no idea how to work the registerÂ and every transaction takes twenty minutes, with one memorable scene featuring robber #3(I’m picturing Cedric the Entertainer here) trying to explain to some civilian how credit cards aren’t accepted because they support the military-industrial complex and one can never redeem those frequent flyer miles.
It was kinda like that.
Food was poorly prepared. Best thing on the plate was the green salad. Desserts, usually the go-to,Â verged onÂ disgusting, the gluten-freeÂ chocolate cupcake tasting less like chocolate and more like inside of your pockets after a day at the beach (grit included), and the whoopie pie flavored highly with that distinctive sour refrigerator taste, evoking memories of when your college roommate made chocolate chip cookies with that butter that had been in the back of the fridge for three years.
Step it up Sugar Plum. Vegan ain’t fringe anymore. Which means you can’t get away with the crap you thought you could as a “vegan restaurant.” You’re just a restaurant now.Â start acting like it.