Ms. Paws is on book deadline, and so not much allowed out of the house. But … she did allow herself a trip to the Whole Foods, to stock up on healthy eating during the final deadline push.
Is there any place in town where the reds and the blues mix so easilly as at Whole Foods? Just look at the parking lot. Shiny earth-fuckers with their Bush-Cheney stickers still proudly displayed, parked right next to battered old Subaru wagons with 20 year’s worth of tree-hugger bumper-stickers plastered over every inch of rear space. Everyone seems to “support our troops” but the way to do that seems to differ. You can see those yellow ribbons next to a “somewhere in Texas a village is missing its idiot” sticker or a “these colors don’t run” one.
And the people! Everything from furry-legged Birkenstocked Heather-Has-Two-Mommies couples to sleak yoga babes to couples whose children’s lips will never touch anything but the most organic of produce to the handsomest of gourmet gay couples. Most common sighting may be the trophy wives, fresh off the Arden Hills tennis courts and picking up some chipotle-lime-marinated tri-tip with a side of grilled asparagus before hubby gets home from the brokerage or hospital rounds, take your pick.
Ms. Paws’ brother, a known hound, loves to play “which are real, and which are not?” while sitting on the Whole Foods patio bitching that the place doesn’t stock Diet Coke. (“Hansens,” he sneers. “WTF?”) In truth, the game is easy to play. Any woman over 40 with a massive stand-up rack that salutes like a Marine has paid at least one visit to the surgeon, if not more. Says Faux Paws’ bro: “This is the best place to watch for great-looking middle-aged women. I could never afford the maintenance, though.”
Being neither rich nor liberal, he’s really not WF’s material, merely a sarcastic, eye-rolling occasional wingbro on Ms. Paws’ obsessively frequent jaunts. Even though with his head-turning convertible he can “pass” well enough to get by.
Or maybe not. Ms. Paws was sitting on the WF patio when the biggest of earth-fuckers rolled into one of the “compact” spaces in front. Out climbed a meticulously dressed man with a watch worth more than the FauxPaws’ dogmobile, accompanied by an Arden Hills trophy wife with enough plastic surgery to defy both age and gravity.
Says the man: “I like this store, but you know what I don’t like? It attracts people from outside the neighborhood.”
Bumperstickered Suburu, he means you. And Ms. Paws’ rack-gazing brother, too.
The Sac Rag 
Hmmm, “Ms. Paws” is you, FauxPaws, right? Why the third person though? Does it make it easier to say “earth fuckers” that way?
Let’s ask HeyMeg, she’s good at interpreting.
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Absolutely nothing wrong with using the third person. Many columnists have done so for years.
After I get through writing my seventh book, though, I’ll consider dumbing down my blog posts so you won’t need a translator.
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Yikes. Zing, zing. I got served!
Actually I was just trying to employ “reincorporation”, one of runnergirl’s keys to comedy.
I enjoy your posts FP. Keep it up. I’m sure your 6 (soon to be 7 books) are great reads, too. What is it that you write about…since you brought it up?
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I used to have a terrier named ichibon. It became disincorporated when it ran into traffic.
Ichibon lives in heaven with Grandpa now.
That is all.
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*cough* venn *cough*
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where are you people hanging out so much where only one set of ideas are welcome or only one type of people are congregating? this is the most diverse city in the country! i think we should stop debating where the nice sushi and roast beef sandwiches are and get you people out on the streets so you’re not so shocked to see Humvees and Subarus in the same parking lot. sheesh!
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Trader Joe’s is another example of the ven diagram with young and old, wealthy and not as wealthy, conservative and liberal, and other diametrically opposed groups meeting at some point. While you can’t purchase the fresh goods (produce, meats, etc.) at Trader Joe’s, you can certainly fill up on the less perishable (yet still organic) items for a lot less money than at Whole Foods — and I find the staff at TJ’s to be less ostentatious in their overall presence.
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Forgive me, adamant, as I left my brain out on the trails this weekend. And it should be “Venn” with a capital “V” since it’s a proper name, so *cough* *cough* on you!
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wherethepeopleeat … you gotta point. When I lived in Tahoe Park I tried every place on Stockton from B’way to Florin. And on hot summer evenings I used to get ice cream where the hookers took their breaks, at the old Baskin-Robbins across from the K-mart.
Went to a great noodle shop recently, on the west side of Stockton just north of 65th expressway. Name escapes me, but it had those cool drinks with tapioca balls in them. And where else can you get noodles with duck kidneys sliced on top?
The ‘burbs are a tad dull, to be sure. But I don’t miss hearing the gunfire or having the sheriff’s helicopter overhead every night. I have to be honest about that.
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Faux Paws, did you mean to sound like a snob or are my interpretive skills not what they’re rumored to be? Some of us happen to love Tahoe Park. Also some of us happen to view “diversity” in terms that extend beyond criminal vs. non-criminal but I’ll spare you the analysis of those implications.
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the CoolDMZ clan resides in Tahoe Park and loves it. but maybe we should consider moving out to the ‘burbs where apparently there are no crimes. other than the crimes against humanity perpetrated by those ghastly Hummer drivers.
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In fact, I did love Tahoe Park. Still do. The neighbors are friendlier, the streets are prettier, the trees more prominent, the walking much more pleasant. (I don’t even have sidewalks where I am now.)
I thought the old neighborhood (15 years there) was in many ways much better than then one I live in now. Certainly more interesting. I traded houses for a bigger lot, not better neighbors. I still miss the neighbors I had, very much.
But … the fact is I did have more problems with crime where I was than where I am. Nothing all that serious, but it does get old.
Maybe at a certain age you just get tired of being an urban pioneer.
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oh, i see, you love Tahoe Park. thanks for the clarification!
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Oh, you’re teasing me. Not that I don’t deserve it.
You know, despite my complaints about petty crime there, if I’d found a house in Tahoe Park with a really large lot I would have stayed in the neighborhood.
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Some of RonTopofIt’s best friends are Tahoe Parkers…
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Faux Paws, we’ve yet to experience gunfire. I guess you’re just more comfortable with the superficially diverse experience at Whole Foods. Glad you could escape to the burbs. Good riddance.
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Tahoe Parkers are a sensitive lot, aren’t they?
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We pride ourselves on being sensitive and defensive. sensifensive.
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We all recognize the diversity in the region — there are just some places where different groups of people converge more than others, that’s all. Based on the comments and posts by some of our regulars here on the ‘rag, we seem to be a fairly diverse group in our own right. DMZ, does our Stat Counter have a demographic breakdown?
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While I didn’t do a car count or demographic survey when I just at Whole Foods for lunch, I was, however, in line behind a woman who was yapping to her friend about how nice it is to have healthy choices for lunch. And what did the cashier ring up for her? A mini pizza, a salad drenched in dressing and coated with shredded cheese, a full-sugar beverage, and three pieces of the impulse-buy caramels they sell by the register. Hopefully she can tune into the Dr. Dean Edell program in her Subaru or Hummer to learn why her choices were not the most healthful.
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