Beware the cougs

When I was a young, strapping, college-going lad, a wise fellow took me under his wing.  He taught me how to dress, how to dance, and how to pick up chicks.

I remember one night at a club, when a limousine pulled up in front.  My mentor grabbed me by the arm, and took me aside.  I excused myself from the honey whose first four phone number digits I had just procured. He took me to the window and pointed to the car.  A door opened, and about nine middle aged women, wearing clothes that their bodies could not cash, came flying out in a drunken hysteria, and piled into the club.

“Those, my friend, are what we call, cougars.” he said to me.

I was astonished.  I had never witnessed something that looked so wrong. 

“Watch out for them, man.  They’re nothing but trouble.”

I always remembered that advice.  I avoided their predatory stares like the plague.  You see, I give to the needy, not the greedy.

Later that night, my wise old friend gave me a more formal rundown on how to avoid these beasts:

  • Do not run.
  • Do not crouch or bend down. Cougars generally prey on four-legged animals. If a person stands, they will pose an unusual shape and the animal will often leave.
  • Fight back if attacked.

But, it’s not just young men they’re after, so my teacher said.  If desperate or drunk enough, these cougs of the night will go after anything:

  • Adults should keep children nearby.
  • Pick up and hold your child to prevent them from running away.
  • Keep pets inside.

That night at the club was the last night I ever saw him.  Sometimes I wonder, if my escape that night was because of him.  Was it an epic sacrifice a la Obi Wan’s to Darth Vader, that allowed me to escape? I’ll never know.  But I’ll always be thankful for his advice. 

4 thoughts on “Beware the cougs”

  1. I spotted many cougars in their native habitat, Las Vegas, this past weekend. I honestly did not know that you could adorn so many clothing items and accessories with Swarovski crystals.


  2. Maybe that is who my mom was refering to back when she thought I was a virgin and said. You first time should be with a woman with experience. I had the joy of telling my mom she was a 6 months to late.


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