Smashburger coming, seeks hungry rockers

Boring food calls for wacky PR stunts, like child shrinking
Citrus Heights is getting NorCal’s first Smashburger on March 31. My carnivorous friends scattered across the country generally agree that Smashburger is a decent burger, but I don’t really care. I won’t be eating there, as I generally avoid franchise restaurants like the plague, especially if they don’t serve draft beer. And do we really need another pre-programed burger joint in a city full of local businesses serving great, even famous, burgers? Hell no, says I.

I am, however, highly amused by the PR 101 tactics being employed to attract attention. Bands of Sacramento, are you ready for the big time? Are you ready to ROCK SMASHBURGER? (The caps indicate that you are supposed to mentally read that phrase in your most rocking DJ voice. I choose to hear Shadoe Stevens in my head at his most Fred Rated extreme.)

As if playing the opening of a fast food restaurant isn’t enough, Smashburger found a way to make this deal even more delicious. Do you want to (cue Shadoe) PLAY FOR FREE? That’s right, you can live up to your punk rock ethos and play for nothing but burgers. Since the website won’t even tell you how many burgers you will win, I am guessing that it ain’t too many. Winners will be decided by popular vote, which completely ignores the specific contest instructions that the bands be BURGER LOVING. If picked as a celebrity judge, I would use a three-part matrix to evaluate the musicians:

5 points Musicianship
5 points Condiment Implementation
5 points Hamburger Puns

Recommended tunes include Beast of Burger, The Meat is On, Whole Lotta Lunch, Slip Slider Away, Pour Some Ketchup on Me, Here Comes the Bun, and anything by The Bacon Brothers, G Love and Special Sauce, or The Fat Boys.

8 thoughts on “Smashburger coming, seeks hungry rockers”

  1. The buzzword infested manifesto on Smashburgers’ parent company website is already making my mouth water for a SMASHBURGER.

    “CCP is a unique private investment, concept/brand development, & strategic advisory firm”

    “100% Focus On Multi-Unit Consumer Centric Businesses”

    “1 Stop” Approach, Rewarded For Results
    $100 Million Of Committed Partner Capital”


  2. Has there really not been enough funny overuse of corporate lingo-ese to persuade people not to use it? I guess the people who talk that way don’t care what t-shirt wearing slackers say about them.


  3. Looking at Tom Ryan’s bio explains a lot…

    …Tom is known for developing business building concepts, products and marketing programs throughout his career, including Stuffed Crust Pizza and Loversâ„¢ line at Pizza Hut, McGriddles, Big ‘n Tasty, Dollar Menu, and Fruit and Yogurt Parfaits at McDonald’s and Steakhouse Beef Dip, Prime Rib and Sammies at Quiznos.

    …Tom received his Ph.D. in Flavor and Fragrance Chemistry, his Masters in Lipid Toxicology and his undergraduate degree in Food Science, all from Michigan State University…
    I know teams of marketers and scientists and working around the clock to find creative ways to stuff empty calories down my throat. But do they have to be so blatant about it? Geez!


  4. Wow, I followed the Shadoe Stevens link and watched an old Federated commercial… A VHS player was being sold for $273.00. Scary…


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