Sinister Baker Sought in Rock Star Slaying

Murder Suspect
French authorities in Bordeaux are now confirming that the death of John McCrea of the band Cake was no accident, but a gang-style slaying over disputed pastry turf.

Earlier today, the SacRag broke the story of McCrea’s death and the injury of fellow band member Vince DiFiore. We have received word that the French have classified this crime as a murder and are still in search of the suspect. DiFiore has been reported in stable condition but has undergone surgery to remove a vibraslap from his chest that impaled him with monster truck force. Other band members were not injured in the incident, although guitarist Xan McCurdy reports that shortly after the accident, some underage girls stole his beer.

A police sketch of the suspect (pictured above) has been leaked exclusively to the SacRag. French authorities have not gone public with this investigation as they do not want to panic the extensive and influential pastry industry that rules organized crime syndicates throughout the country. Police report to be using bloodhounds to track his distinctive and delicious scent.

Sad News (Updated! High Speed Chase!)

John McCrea R.I.P.A traffic accident has taken the life of John McCrea, lead singer and songwriter for the band Cake. No official statement has been made by the band’s management, but sources close to the Rag report that the incident occurred last night after their sold out show in Bordeaux, France.

Band members were noshing at a patisserie when a delivery van for the business jumped onto the sidewalk and crashed onto the patio seating. McCrea was killed instantly. Trumpeter Vince DiFiore has reportedly been hospitalized, but his condition is unknown.

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