I Love You, Mary Jane

No, Cypress Hill is not coming to town, nor is Zombie Rick James.

Something better.

Girls.

Very sexy girls making very sexy performance art. Unlike many other troupes who are part of the recent burlesque revival, Sacramento’s Sizzling Sirens are damn impressive in both their ability and concept. I have seen productions from other groups that are clearly comprised of amateur exhibitionists and attention whores, but we are blessed that these ladies seriously pay tribute to the traditional Victorian and Vaudeville roots of this art form. Of special note is their use of musical accompaniment, the Harley White Jr. Orchestra.

Tonight, their monthly Siren Show at Harlow’s salutes California’s state flower. No, not that one, the other one. From Reefer Madness to medical dispensaries, I Love You, Mary Jane promises to be political, sassy, satirical and smoking hot.

If Burkle builds it, will they stay?

So I guess today is do-or-die for keeping the Kings franchise in town. What I’m wondering is whether anyone has talked about whether Ron Burkle couldn’t just make a big commitment toward the cost of an arena instead of making overtures about buying a team, which is just a contingency plan and would put him in the unfavorable position of stealing something from New Orleans, namely the NBA’s best player.

I have been trying to look at all the angles of this story but has that been discussed? If an arena is a good bet for a business and not necessarily for a tax base, wouldn’t it make sense for our billionaire benefactor to own a major stake in the arena?

Geeks of the Underground

I recently dragged the wifey to a new history geek attraction: Old Sacramento Underground Tours. Turns out, beneath those kitsch saloons and taffy vendors we know today as Old Sacramento, there are a bunch of underground tunnels where the streets used to be before landowners used screw jacks to literally raise the city in the 1860s.

They did it because the Sacramento River kept flooding. So streets, sidewalks and buildings all had to come up about 10 or 15 feet. Some buildings stayed put as the sidewalks rose up around them so, as Mark Twain once observed, pedestrians could literally peer into people’s hotel bedrooms from the sidewalk. Creepy.

For $15 you get an hour-long tour of the tunnels left behind and, at least in our case, a very knowledgeable tour guide to explain all things Sacramentan history. I don’t usually find dirt and flood prevention inspiring but I was actually inspired. It’s a great testament to Sacramento’s time-honored tradition of thumbing its nose at those pesky forces of nature, such as gravity and water.

Best of all, it turns out the very serious show Ghost Adventures even visited Old Sacramento to inspect these very tunnels for evidence of the undead and we were lucky enough to get the same tour guide as Zak, Nick and Aaron.

How much more a part of history can you get?

It’s like that moment

So, you're getting a burning sensation when you urinate?
So you're getting a burning sensation when you urinate?

Back in 2007, CoolDMZ wrote this post about the rate of sexually transmitted diseases in Sac county. Well, it’s 2011 now and apparently Sacramento hasn’t lost that loving feeling.

“ALARMING” is how Chief Public Health Officer Glennah Trochet describes the STD problem in Sacramento. In fact, it’s so bad the county received $30,000 from a national organization to promote STD testing.

It’s good to see Glennah still has her job. Or is it “Glenna”?

“They really don’t care about protection now days,” Raquel Perez is 16 and she tells a familiar story. “It’s like that moment, they don’t really think about it; so they just like forget about it and at the end they end up suffering the consequences.”

They sure do, Raquel, they sure do.

Kings receive a deadline extension

This is some saga.

NBA Commissioner David Stern reported Friday that the league has decided to extend until May 2 the deadline for the Sacramento Kings to produce an application to relocate to Anaheim. Stern said the NBA Board of Governors’ relocation committee, headed by Oklahoma City owner Clay Bennett, will explore claims by Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson that he’s mobilized millions of dollars in community support to sponsor the team and purchase season tickets.

What? No love for Carmichael Dave?

“The Bucket List Bandit” is coming for you

The "Bucket List Bandit"

In case you haven’t heard about the latest criminal mastermind, the so-called “Bucket List Bandit” is wanted for robbing Bank of the West in Carmichael last month, and he got his label because he appears to be 48 to 50 years old and therefore robbing a bank must be on his “bucket list” because he’s so old and appears ready to die at any moment. Hold up, he’s at most 50 years old is what they think? And we think this is an age that means a person is at death’s door?

I can’t exactly explain why this name grates on my soul so much, but I guess the reason is that the criteria for a pop culture reference that we can safely assume will be recognizable to everyone in society has clearly sunk so low that a one-off “Grumpy Old Men” type comedy qualifies. Continue reading ““The Bucket List Bandit” is coming for you”

Kickstart KLJ’s new live comedy album “Cats Made of Rabbits”

KLJ with that one guy from that one thing

Keith Lowell Jensen is at it again, raising money on Kickstarter this time to make his new live album “Cats Made of Rabbits” a reality. Or he’s raising money to make actual cats made of rabbits a reality. Either way it’s money well spent.

The album was recorded at a sold out show at the Sacramento Comedy Spot. For $15 you can get a copy of the CD when released, and $25 will get you the DVD copy.

Is it just me or is it hard not to insert “frickin'” into that title?

Westfield Downtown Mall: Not as Bleak as You Remember It

Sacramento’s downtown mall has struggled the last five or six years. Maybe the toughest blow came when Hard Rock Cafe closed and the giant plastic guitar came down. I still snuck over there yesterday for quick shopping for a birthday gift, because, well, it’s downtown and that’s convenient if you work downtown.

It’s actually not as bad as it used to be. Vacancies on the first floor are about five percent, and maybe 35 percent on the second floor. Still, an improvement. Foot traffic looks pretty good. And the cinema, Macys, and River City Brewing Company remain as anchors on the mall’s west side. The Doubleday bookstore has been gone for a few years, which sucks (bookstores are generally great places to shop for hard-to-shop-for people). But still there are signs of life sneaking back into the mall.

The cavernous 24 Hour gym is even undergoing an expansion (and hopefully renovation) that will take it to the second floor on the mall’s east entrance.

Back in February, a team of urban planners recommended restructuring the mall into an open mixed-use area for retail, housing and workspace. I really see the virtue in that. Right now, its frontage looks more like a fortress than a market, buttressed against growing national trends that favor outdoor malls or “lifestyle centers.” Open it up if Westfield wants to front the money.

Full disclosure, I sit on the board for Sacramento’s redevelopment agency, which has some jurisdiction with streetscape improvements and tenant attraction in the area. My comments shouldn’t be taken as representing any city officials other than yours truly.

In the meantime, a slow rebound in the mall’s current structure appears to be picking up steam. That funky exotic antique store is gone, where I almost bought a samurai sword once. But if trends continue, something better will come along.