Center High Football Scandal

The gossip (well, news) from Antelope is that Center High’s football coach, Digol J’Beily, was fired from his post because of a vendetta from a former parent of a kid passed over for starting quarterback. Who do these trustees of Center High think they are? Did they think they were involved in Texas high school football? It’s Center High. I have lived here for 25 years and I don’t even know where Center High is. (I do, actually, but the point is still good.)

However, I would totally wear a “FREE J’BEILY” shirt. I want one of those.

Illegal Valet Scandal?

The CoolDMZ clan lives in up-and-coming Tahoe Park, and often when traveling from midtown to home we utilize the crazy left-turn-right-turn 39th street thruway that lets out at the Coke bottling plant on Stockton. Last night, while trying to get home for an early dinner, we ran into stopped traffic right at the corner of Folsom and 39th. The source of the slowdown? Valet parking at a private residence on the corner! Outrage! Hatred! Villagers, take up your burning sticks!

Demographic Creepyness

I have just recently discovered PRIZM Neighborhood Types, a real estate concept for identifying neighborhoods by demographics, usually three or four different groups per ZIP code. The idea is snappy name (think “Urban Achievers” and that’s a very low-key designation) and a quick demographic stereotype (that one is “Mid-level, White-collar urban couples”). A quick rundown of some Sacto neighborhoods gives us a quick lesson on our own backyard:

95819 (the closest one to my house):

  • Urban Achievers – Mid-Level, White-Collar Urban Couples – 58.68%
  • Young Literati – Upscale Urban Singles & Couples – 14.09%
  • Money & Brains – Sophisticated Urban Fringe Couples – 10% (What does this mean? Tattoo parlor entrepreneurs? Couples who run their own, ahem, internet photography businesses?)

95816:

  • Single City Blues – Multicultural Urban Singles – 65.25% (Does this mean a multicultural population, as in different cultures? Or did they just drive by and see lots of Peter Tosh and Dalai Lama posters and make a pretty safe guess.)
  • Urban Achievers – Mid-Level, White-Collar Urban Couples – 15.57%
  • Bohemian Mix – Bohemian Singles & Couples – 15.39%

95864:

  • Money & Brains – Sophisticated Urban Fringe Couples – 33.01%
  • Urban Achievers – Mid-Level, White-Collar Urban Couples – 27.93%
  • Towns & Gowns – College Town Singles – 12.62%
  • Blue Blood Estates – Elite Super-Rich Families – 11.01%

We all knew about the “Elite Super-Rich Families” of Arden Park, but who knew they were being run out of town by the coeds? Watch your back, Elite Super-Rich Families of 95864.

Check out the demographics yourself.

Your Cowtown Revolutionizes Online World

Finally, what we’ve all been waiting for: the launch of Your Cowtown. For weeks Sacramentans have wondered what online wonders the new site would present, then we played the cow-tipping game until we were masters (though I could never get past 1 cow until it timed out. What the dealio?). Now we have the full site, and all our questions are answered. In what is absolutely the biggest shocker since the Webber trade, the site is brought to us by…the Maloofs? KCRA? the Money Store? Sony? Sorry, it’s Crystal Dairy!

The site features the classic “Cow Tippin” game, a link out to Crystal Cream & Butter Company’s site, a tool for getting home delivery of dairy products (welcome to the 1950s!), a retail locator, and the two strangest things I’ve seen in a long time: a call for “columnists” (on a dairy producer’s site?) and a “Create a Blog” feature which is actually just a guestbook. What’s next, a screen of brain-hemorrage inducing dancing cows?

Don’t get me wrong: I loves me some Crystal products. For your money, Crystal ice cream is the way to go, unless you want high-quality ice cream in nice-looking packaging that doesn’t fall apart when touched. But seriously. Great milk, top-notch. And now a great website to boot!

Happy Friday the 13th!

I’ve lived in a variety of cities in North America. Having been in Sacramento now for well over a year, I ask you: How useless are Sacramento’s traffic reports?

During a recent SacRag summit meeting in our favorite place, RonTopofIt and I were discussing the pointless inclusion of traffic reports in radio and TV news shows – the latter of which is even more useless if, like me, you don’t have a TV in your car (which begs the question – how useless can something get?).

My commute into work is from the south side (youandIknowitsthebestside, yo) via Highway 99 to midtown from Elk Grove (herein and forever more known as “The Grove”). If traffic reporters on the radio aren’t restating the obvious (“it’s rush hour, traffic is slow”), they don’t tell you about traffic events until well after they’ve occured, or simply don’t report on your highway at all.

Like today, for example. Radio traffic reports completely ignored Highway 99 this morning. Meanwhile, I was stuck in an inexplicable 30 mile-per-hour traffic crawl from Laguna Blvd. to Florin. When I got to Florin after 45 minutes, traffic began moving again.

Wouldn’t you know it? Just as I got to Florin, the traffic dude on the radio reported that a truck had “just” overturned on Florin and that traffic was now starting to back up.

But, there was nothing at Florin when I got there. The accident had already been cleared, and the traffic reporters had probably missed this accident by almost an hour.

Why do you mess with me, trafficreporterperson? What joy do you get in making The Grovites late for work?

This is all some kind of conspiracy, isn’t it – to keep the south side (did I mention that youandIknowitsthebestside?) down. I’m going to just tune in to smooth jazz from now on.

I don’t need your mind control.

Needed: Local Music Scene Coverage

If you live here, you’ll know that the Sacto music scene is like the younger, scrappier cousin to the Bay Area scene–the kind of cousin that gets in a lot more fights and can’t keep a job. It’s been that way since before Daisy Spot and it’ll weather Team Sleep and ride Papa Roach all the way to their Behind the Music. (Do they have one yet?)

I loved me some concerts in my younger days. Nar, Jackpot, The Pretty Girls at Old I, The Troublemakers and Groovie Ghoulies at Cattle Club, Sex 66 at Cesar Chavez, and the best concert I ever attended, Payback at Duke’s. But I’m a daddy now and thus I’m not exactly a frequent concertgoer anymore. That’s where you come in.

We need a few writers to cover the local concert scene. No compensation but the satisfaction of being part of a new voice on all things Sacto. Email me, CoolDMZ-at-gmail.com and let me know if you’re interested.

Griego Erwin…Out

Today Bee Executive Editor Rick Rodriguez announced that local Metro section columnist Diana Griego Erwin has resigned (registration required…why exactly?), amid an internal investigation into allegedly falsified sources in her columns. This is the groundbreaking thinker behind “male testosterone and sports may cause fighting.”

When I was a junior in high school, Erwin followed my Catholic youth group to Denver for World Youth Day, when the Pope (JPII, not Dick One-Six as I like to call him) came to America. I’m sure her dispatches are lost to the dustbin of the microfiche room of history, but I will always remember her at Mile High Stadium, looking down the aisle at my group of about six, clearly not being as excited and experiencing the required amount of religious fervor, and saying something along the lines of “I can’t believe you guys are not getting excited!”

Now I wonder–and I realize a trip to aforementioned microfiche room could verify this–if she went home and wrote about a different youth group of made up teenagers who rent their garments and sprouted Stigmata at the sight of the Pope mobile?

(N.B. I do not mean any disrespect toward the Pope or toward religious people in general. I loves me some church every week and I think John Paul II was one of the greatest men of the 20th Century.)

West Coast Brew Fest

At the west end of Broadway, there is a colony of feral cats and skunks that harmoniously co-exist. The cats don’t mind the stink, the skunks don’t mind the cat politics. All is well.

This Saturday, if you hang a left at the cat/skunk colony, you will see a similar example of peaceful coexistence. People of all races, creeds and tattoo colors will congregate and ignore the things about each other that makes them want to “la la”. They will be enjoying the universal lubricant.

Free Beer.

Free, that is, with a $25 donation to local charities. But who can’t blow $25 in an hour or two at the local watering hole? I sure can.

The West Coast Brew Festival will be at Miller Park on May 14 from 1-5pm. Advance tickets for $20 at local breweries.

See www.matsonian.com/wcbf for more info.

Trouble Finds Smith…Again

Here at the Rag we try to take the road less travelled. Find those topics and observations that aren’t widely reported. However, from time to time we run into a story that demands commentary…or perhaps I just want to write about an article that contains the words “Whizzinator” and “Foolproof” in the same sentence. When I read this article about former Grant High star, Onterrio Smith, I just had to laugh out loud (which reminds me, can I use “lol” outside of an instant message?).

A few of my thoughts:

  • “Smith, 24, was also carrying a device called ‘The Original Whizzinator,’ which includes a fake penis, bladder and athletic supporter marketed by manufacturers as an “undetectable” and “foolproof” urinating device.” – I guess they need to rethink that “undetectable” part, huh?
  • “Smith, who also admitted to the Whizzinator’s presence in his luggage, said he was taking the materials to his cousin.” – Oh, so this isn’t YOUR fake penis? Carry on then
  • “Smith’s attorney, David Cornwell, issued a statement saying the kit was given to Smith, who put it in his bag and forgot about it.” – This is from his “attorney” mind you. Not an off the cuff comment made in haste. So let me get this straight, you forgot about the fake penis in your bag that you were taking to your brother to help him pass a drug test which you yourself have failed several times in the past?

Just think about how bad things have gotten. People are willing to strap on fake sex organs and dispense imitation urine in front of another human being rather than stop doing drugs. I say we bring back shame into our criminal justice system. You wanna wear that bad boy, Onterrio? Very well then, let’s strap it on and make a stop at grandma or auntie’s house then go visit the boys down at the local Y and get in on a pickup game.

Jay Street Ghost Town

Driving up Jay Street from the the plaza (heretofore known as the DTP!) the other day I noticed that Jay Street has become an utter wasteland from about 9th to 12th street. Which is weird because as we all know the vacant lot on the southside of 8th-9th is becoming non vacant, which it has been for centuries or at least 25 years. The most striking block is the southside of 10th-11th, where all doors but Mother India are gone. At the time of posting, a few days after this observation, more vacancies might possibly have ocurred (The Sac Rag, as a fledgling snarkblog, lacks the budget for live camera feeds of every block of the city).

Two possible ways to read this: a) somebody has bought that block and is tearing the whole shebang down, or b) there is nowhere to park within 3 blocks and there was nothing there anyway except a vacuum repair shop. I hope a) and that what goes up next is either not a multiplex or is the giantest, most fantabulous hamburger stand the world has ever seen.