Author: CoolDMZ

"X-ray vision to see in between / Where's my kimono and my time machine?"

Sacto’s online scene: Sleazy with a Capitol S

Did you get my punny entry title? Anyway, one of the reasons RonTopofIt and I started this blog was our perception that there was an overall dearth of local Websites that were not of the “pictures of hootchies at the Distillery” variety. Ugh. The non-aptly named Sacramento’s Top 25 list of Websites is full of this kind of PG-13/TV-MA rated crap. What is up with that, Sacramento? we asked ourselves. Why does it seem like it’s either FairyTaleTown.org or BlueCueSkanks.com? Family fun in the hot hot sun or the sleazy Sacto singles scene? Right in the middle is where we wanted to position ourselves.

As we look into it further we’re finding plenty of decent blogs out there covering local stuff. Start with Postcards from Sacramento and work your way around this interconnected network of computers we call the Information Superhighway. And stay away from the benign-sounding site “916 Online.” Nothing that will get you fired from work, but nothing that will make you happy you live in this fair city, either.

King and Queen of River City news call it quits

The local version of Maury and Connie, KCRA’s Dave Walker and Lois Hart are stepping down from the 11 p.m. news later this year. Dave and Lois are definitely my favorite local broadcasting team (can you say, If you don’t like that, you don’t like local sports radio idiots?) and will be sorely missed in the CoolDMZ household, where the flirtatious “active adult” couple was a heartwarming part of the nightly local news gathering ritual. Although at their age, it was pretty obvious that most nights they needed to be in bed by 11.

They will be replaced at 11 by Edie Lambert and John Alston, who are competent newspeople but will have the chemistry of a pair of candlesticks. What good is hokey local news (lokey news? hokal news?) without a cute old married couple telling you about the Asparagus Festival?

Baseball in the River City

While watching Ron Hyde deliver the nightly sportscast on WB58 News at 10, I realized The Sac Rag would be remiss if did not pause at Major League Baseball’s All-Star break to recognize the Herculean efforts thus far of El Camino’s favorite son, Derrek Lee of the Chicago Cubs.

Oh and something about a Triple-A All Star game in town. They’re great, I get my car battery jumped every few months or so just because I figure I’m paying for it anyway.

Only in Sacto

Almost had a shopping cart collision with State Senator Debra Ortiz last night at my local supermarket… If I told you the only products in her basket were Jack Daniels and pregnancy tests, not only would it create quite an uproar, it would be a bold-faced and irresponsible lie.

Mudwrestling, but not that kind

I used to think that Sacramentans’ propensity to getting drunk on the river without bothering to learn to swim, leading to what I can only assume is a higher than average number of annual drunken idiot drowning deaths, would lead to the lessening of Sacramento’s role in the future gene pool.

Now I think that’s a good thing:

Muddy river brawls erupt

30 revelers are arrested – part of ‘a sea of drunken humanity’ along the American River.

law enforcement officials spent much of the day trying to maintain order at a tiny island in the middle of the river, a remote spot north of Rancho Cordova’s Hagan Community Park. Authorities dubbed it “Gilligan’s Island,” but revelers called it “Fighters Island.”

Nothing describes Sacramento’s beer-bloated dogpile of fleshblobs better than a “sea of drunken humanity,” though I would have used the more apt term “semi-humanity.”

Most people made the rafting journey without incident, as three helicopters from the California Highway Patrol, Sacramento County Sheriff’s Department and Sacramento Metropolitan Fire District flew above to ensure public safety.

The more public safety resources that are diverted to make sure the throngs of wastoid drowning pre-victims arrive safely, the fewer of those resources are availabe later that night when said wastoids are lighting bottle rockets over the fence from my house. Read it all, if you dare. (Sac Bee, RR)

Stylish midtown robber strikes

Next time somebody tries to tell you Sacto is an uncool “cow town,” point out to them that even our common criminals have hip urban style:

Midtown Robber Targets Women
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A series of armed robberies in downtown and midtown Sacramento has put women on alert. …

The victims stated that the man was relatively clean-cut and well dressed.

The man was described during one of the crimes as wearing a yellow, blue and white striped shirt with clear “J -Lo”-style sunglasses and blue jeans. (via KCRA)

Sure, this makes me feel good about the status of fashion sense among my city’s street crime, but am I supposed to keep tabs on J-Lo’s fashion line in order to help maintain justice on the streets? “Oh that guy running away with that lady’s purse might be a criminal, but those are clearly Cherokee brand shades from Target he’s wearing! How common!”

Galt officially has nothing better to do

The Sac Rag is, as can be expected of any group of people dominated by 25-35 year old males, huge fans of Napoleon Dynamite. But this is going a little too far:

… Napoleon Dynamite Day, a half-day event for kids and teens put on as part of Galt’s “I Love My Town” campaign.

It’s all part of an effort to inspire a bit of civic pride in Galt teens – and just maybe give them something to do. There’s no movie theater in Galt, no teen center, bowling alley or mall. Kids say the alternate forms of entertainment tend to involve things that are either drunk or smoked. That and just watching TV.

Charity puts stakes down

From the Sac Bee (RR):

Looking to secure its foothold and financial security, the homeless services charity [Loaves & Fishes] recently bought about two-thirds of an acre of adjacent property. …

Loaves & Fishes also hopes to improve services and the entire neighborhood by building nicer facilities that are less spread out.

Business and property owners are concerned, said Connie Miottel, executive director of Capitol Station District, a property owners association.

I understand property owners close enough to be affected by the “clients” of Loaves & Fishes being a little troubled by this expansion. But come on, if you live that close to Loaves & Fishes, isn’t this just going to mean more transients at a local charity and fewer on the sidewalk in front of your house?

You know, there is a giant ball of flaming gas in the sky that’s just begging to be used for something, and plus it’s like hundreds of miles away. Can’t we just “grow” our homeless charities out there?

Stockton Blvd. beautification going strong

The City has installed islands on the portion of Stockton Blvd. between Broadway and 14th Ave, which is right by Tahoe Park, the CoolDMZ clan’s whereabouts. And just yesterday they planted some small palm trees, which is super classy. Picture to follow when I get my act together about posting photos.

Now the prostitutes that troll along that stretch of Stockton Blvd. can imagine they are walking the sandy beaches of Tahiti!

Scary Park Encounters

Two horrifying park encounters this week:

  • Tahoe Park has two play structures, one ostensibly for kids 2-5 and one ostensibly for kids 5-99. As we approached the structure for 2-5 year olds with our own 2 year old, we noticed 2 older girls playing there. We thought they were probably 14 which means they were probably 12. Our 2 year old is really friendly and she loves “big girls” so she immediately warmed up to them. It was cute until one of them said “Awww, I want a kid.” Flee!
  • Yesterday at McKinley Park I spied 2 young gentlemen playing in the pond, which can only be described rather optimistically as a disgusting pit of filth with ducks and geese. As onlookers called to these rapscallions (“Where are your parents! There’s poison in the pond, get out of there!”) the lovely parental unit approached. Reeking of pot. And actually smoking. She declared that she was gonna go pee and that those kids better be out when she gets back. We tried to find an authority figure to notify (I’m thinking they come home with sweet ear infections, bare minimum) and then gave up when there were none except the Clunie pool lifeguards.